Investigative Journalism

Sol Pais Uncovered – Was She Dangerous?

I initially became drawn to the Sol Pais story because she didn’t fit the profile a typical school shooter. She was a young female – an attractive one at that. Not an angry, distraught man – who has some hatred against the society who created the demon inside.

I began reading news report after news report.

Every article on Sol Pais said she was a dangerous, armed woman looking to shoot up Columbine high school. Most of the news sources claimed she had a website where she wrote her thoughts in a type of deranged journal.

I needed to find this website.

It was harder than I thought to find her website. All these news sources mentioned the website but did not directly source it or provide a link. It made me think that there was going to be some fucked up shit on there.

Eventually I found the website. That is when my obsession with Sol Pais began.

“Holy fucking shit”, I thought to myself. “This website is unironically a work of art. Did she kill herself for exposure? Is she the modern existential artist?”

Her website was filled with philosophical literature (that I did not think) an 18-year-old would be familiar with.

She named dropped and quoted Albert Camus’, “The Rebel”.

She quoted Dostoyevsky Fyodor’s Notes from the Underground.

She listed The Nobodies (a Columbine tribute song) by Marylin Manson at the bottom of the homepage.

It was a fucking work of art. There were hidden links everywhere.

There were links to old aesthetic 90s sites.

Links to Anarchist Cookbook type sites that taught you how to make bombs.

Even a music page where filled with songs by The Deftones, Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins and Marylin Manson.

By this point I wanted to know who this 90s obsessed, existential l girl was.

The pictures the mainstream media blasted off made Sol look fake and even irregular. Many questioned the validity of the pictures of the real person – I did as well.

I scrounged the internet trying to find a digital footprint of this girl named Sol Pais. I searched far and wide with little luck.

I made a list of known classmates to find clues on who this troubled girl really was. I searched the Miami Beach High School website. But all I could find was the dissolvedgirl National Gun Forum profile page (found here) and her apparent website (found here).

I did end up finding a Twitter handle she used (@solpaisx) – which was deleted at the time I was searching – but looks to be back online now (though the Tweets are protected and of no help).

I questioned that actual existence of this girl even more when the website she operated changed.

sol

I don’t think many people saw that other than me. I blasted that on our Twitter page and got immediate attention from the Twitter community following the Sol Pais story.

It seemed weird that her website would change only days after it was reported that she was found dead. I later learned that her website is extremely easy to hack into and some hackers changed the page.

I almost gave up on trying to figure out who Sol Pais was until I clicked on a hidden link on her page.

If you go down to the bottom of her music page and click on the third picture (pictures of music albums) on the right. It will lead you to this page. It called the NIN Secret Page.

If you click on the video it will lead you to this YouTube video.

The person who uploaded the page is named Vodka (Dylan Klebold’s nickname).

Clicking on the Vodka username leads you to their YouTube username page which begins to play this sinister video.

Watch it!

It begins by saying, “Hey, so you found my channel.”

The screen rolls and then says, “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

Next it says, “Why don’t you turn back around?”

“Oh, wait.” The page says next.

“It’s too late for that.”

The video immediately flashes the dead bodies of Eric and Dylan.

I think to myself, “am I in some weird creepypasta world now?”

It then shows clips and pictures of other school shooters and serial killers.

At the end of the video it says SUKI and gives links to subscribe to other content.

I thought I landed on a goldmine of Sol Pais information that no one else has found.

If you search around on that page it will lead you to a Tumblr page that is pretty much dedicated to Columbine, school shooters and other serial killers.

Another link lead to a Discord Page dedicated to school shooters. This page is now taken down.

I made a profile under the name “Saint Vodka” and messaged the creator Suki. I also posted in the group asking if anyone knew Sol Pais but don’t have the screenshot of that.

IMG_7233

When I got in the Discord group it looks like the FBI had already created a fake user to try to infiltrate the page. People were freaking out about a guy named Colby – who they claimed was an FBI agent.

I don’t think the group knew who Sol Pais was. However, it was equally weird that there are subcultures on the internet dedicated to school shootings. What is even more weird is that Suki (her Twitter page here) is another young girl who seems just as obsessed with Columbine as Sol was.

Soon pictures of Sol Pais started to flood Twitter. We posted them in our Twitter Thread here.

She definitely was a real person. A sad soul.

I decided to read through every one of her handwritten journal posts and type them up (they are found at the end of this article in the Appendix).

The journals are a sad cry out for help.

She consistently mentions how she doesn’t think she is in the right world – she’s in the wrong universe – a soul trapped in the wrong time.

She writes a love letter dedicated to someone named “E” – I’m pretty sure this is to Eric Harris.

And she has planned her suicide for at least over a year. She mentions how she is too young to execute her plan (buy a gun and kill herself).

If you are interested in understanding Sol Pais you must read the journals. You will get into the head of Sol Pais – a trapped soul in the wrong universe, the wrong time.

After reading through her journals we believe she wasn’t planning on hurting anyone. Nowhere in the journals does it say she wants to hurt anyone other than herself.

Sol felt like she was supposed to be from the 90s. I think she was in love with Eric Harris. Of the pictures the internet has floating around on here several shirts she wear have Colorado on them.

This has been a planned suicide for a least over a year. Premeditated? Yes, but only for her own life.

Appendix:

Page One:

  • Being alive is fucking overrated
  • How do I pull it out of me?
  • I’m fucking empty
  • Trying to remember
  • Broke through the surface and… (continues on next page)

page1

Page Two: Deftones lyrics – Back to School

Push back the square

now that you need her in the throat (well there you go)

Cause back in school

we are all leaders of it all

transpose

or stop your lies

it’s what you do

Push back the square

now that you need her but you don’t

(so there you go)

Cause back in school

we are the leaders of all

so transpose

or stop your lies

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Page Three:

  • In the process of culmination…?
  • LOVE IS

page3.jpeg

Page Four: Deftones lyrics to the song Knife Party

I could float here forever…

Anemic and sweet…

And come in…

And lay down…

page4

Page Five:

Hit with a discomfort that I can’t shake

Off, that I can’t turn off not disillusionment,

It’s…there’s something wrong it’s in the air

And I cant shake it off. Something’s wrong with

The time, this time. Supposed to be another…don’t

Know why I’m here and not t here. What the

Fuck is in the sky it’s too fucking livid

It’s too quiet. Disquiet that’s the word.

  • 1:33PM, Sunday May 27th.

page5

Page Six:

I Can’t get out

Despite all my rage (these are lyrics to the Smashing Pumpkins – Bullet with Butterfly Wings)

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Page Seven: This picture is from the Smashing Pumpkins Album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

page7

Page Eight: I’m pretty sure this is a tribute to Eric Harris

There isn’t a doubt in my mind

That soon I will be back where

I need to be…

Back home…

Back with you (E)

Something inside of me

Telling me to

Trust…

Soon

Soon

Soon

Will it be

Okay?

Please

Please

Please…

Be ok with you…

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Page Nine: Sounds like she thought she was supposed to be born in the 90s with Eric.

I think I’m losing my mine…I mean

Really really losing my fucking mind or this

Life is fucking with me big time weird things

Happening every day…my perception of things is

Changing, I think thoughts I’ve never had before…

I’ve been wishing to go back in time to my reality,

Since then everything has been morphing…slowly and

Slowly I have been realizing t hat I don’t feel

Out of place for just no reason I think…life

Messed up. Glitched I’m not suppose to be here

Now not in a depressing I’m not supposed to be

Slice by, like my existence was misplaced in time.

This journey is a slow one but I can feel it

In my bones…maybe I’m going back> time

Weeks in strange, strange ways…might find a portal

To my reality someday soon in my bedroom might go

To sleep one night and wake up in that time, in

That year…trying to think about it still logically

Scientifically…but this has a lot to do with

Fate…my life is in the hands of time and fate

Right now…I never trusted my intuition but I

Have been feeling otherworldly  things since one specific

Night…l’ve discovered a part of yourself, growing

More and more into myself every day where I really

Am…I have discovered that I’m not at home.

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6/1/2018

Page Ten: Talk Hard is a 1990 Comedy-drama film. Mark reminds the students to “talk hard.” As the film ends, the voices of other students (and even one of the teachers) speak as intros for their own independent stations, which can be heard broadcasting across the country.

There is no such thing as harmless power refers to “The struggle of the state and other essays by Nestor Makhno. “Whether that power styles itself bourgeois, socialist or Bolshevik-Communist or worker-peasant power, it all comes down to the same thing: it is every whit as damaging to a wholesome and happy individual as it is to society at large. The nature of all State power is everywhere identical: it tends to annihilate the freedom of the individual, turning him, spiritually, into a slave, and physically into a lackey, before putting him to use for the filthiest tasks. There is no such thing as harmless power.”

TALK HARD

There is no such

Think as harmless

Power

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Page Eleven: I’m not sick but I’m not well refers to the Harvey Danger song, Flagpole Sitta. I don’t know what the second entry on this page says.

I’m not sick

But I’m not well

Frisil &

Badass??

page11

Page Twelve: I think this is her own words. A somewhat dark poetic stance.

“Defile the

Earth with

My ignorable

Suffering”

page12

Page Thirteen:

Anything I criticize

I end up becoming

page13

Page Fourteen: This might refer to the 1994, Strangelove song, “I Will Burn”

WILL I BURN

WILL I BURN

WILL I BURN

WILL I BURN

WILL I BURN

page14

Page Fifteen:

NULL

I know I’m stuck in the wrong

Reality so…I guess nothing I do

Really matters

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Page Sixteen:

I was so young and things

Were happening in the world

And I had no ideas these

Things would later come into my

Life and prove to be so cataclysmic

To my nature and they would become

A part of me and they were there

All along and before I was so young

And these things were manifesting

And I had no idea

They were waiting for me

page16

Page Seventeen:

I know how important hardship is in

Getting the truth and that scares me

But, in the end…

page17

Page Eighteen:

6.17.18

I don’t know how to fucking

Be human and I thought for

All my life , that the struggle was

Normal, but it’s fucking not.

It took me years and years to

Figure out that I’m like this

Even though I could feel it all

Throughout my life again and again I

Encountered discrepancies in my life

And my life only – things that

Nobody else now or experienced

I could just fucking sense that

Something was off. I always knew I

Was a fucking child and I knew you

Don’t even realize how traumatizing

It is to be a child and feel the

Wrong-ness of your own existence

And not know what that feeling was

God every time I think about that I

Scare myself. I’ve lived like this my

Whole life I had to experience

Those things as a kid. The cruelty

There is unholy you don’t

Fucking understand

page18

Page Nineteen:

The more I try to explain or describe

My circumstances the more I realize it

Cannot be explained and even further, it

Just cannot be understood by other if

You’re reading this and you think you

Understand, please listen to me you do

Not. You are never going to know what

This really feels like, never not once

In your fucking life I don’t know

What this is, and yet I know exactly

What this is I don’t understand but

I fucking do. It makes no fucking sense

But it does. God its everywhere. Just this

Terrible feeling of not belonging or better

Said, it is discomfort, it is disport

Disharmony in the air, in the silence i

Can almost hear it sometimes I cant even

Explain its in the dimension everywhere in

This dimension this reality is not mine

It’s not for me, no it can’t be, I don’t

Fucking fit. I don’t know fi there’s a reality

Out there that’s really where I belong, or if

I just have none, If I belong nowhere I

Don’t fucking know. I don’t know

I don’t know what to tell you.

page19

Page Twenty:

Cherry wives

Where I should be

Me

Please get me out

Of here

Is that what you want?

With you

Is that what you want?

With you

Escape, below

page20

Page Twenty-one:

In that frame of mine where

I can see forward and backwards in time

I know what’s happened and I know

What’s going to happen

To know that it’s still almost over…

Everything is going to be over soon

Or will it just be the beginning?

Deftones

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Page Twenty-two:

6-18-18

The lives we were forced to lead, the

Existences we had without choice don’t

Confine us and its strange to see our

Impact on the world knowing there’s so much

More in us. Seeing the human reaction to our

Existence is off-putting, captivating, seeing others

Try to label one as evil or pure, or a

Monster or a martyr, whatever it may be –

That’s all the human reaction you are more

Than other human’s reactions if you, and I

Can see it in you, always have, always will.

People like us have no choice but to

Regretfully live these lives just like

Everybody else, but the difference between us

And them is that we do something about it.

We can feel how little we belong in this

Mortal world, and we live with not limitations

In thought, only limitations in physical being

There is so much more than the human

Experience for people like us. Always seeing

The bigger picture really thinking about it all

The important thing I’m not talking about

People who feel special or different because of

How they dress, or what music they like or any of

That bullshit, those difference in thought,

In the way one works, the place in the universe one holds

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Page Twenty-three:

I don’t know how to word it in a way

That doesn’t sound fucking stupid or in

A way that hasn’t been written before. This

Kind of story has never been written or told

Or experienced before it’s in the process right

Now actually well, if you’re ready this then

The story has most likely been finished in tis

Writing and culmination after comes…well

Something else I don’t fucking know. Probably

On eternal story – the next step or maybe just

Another small step taking form of a whole other

Life. Maybe after I die and I think this

Story’s almost/completely done, what actually happens

Is that I need to live a whole other life

Again to write the next chapter or better

Said the next stage – something is happening,

I’m telling you, I can’t tell you what though

That’s a secret.

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Page Twenty-four:

I’m not supposed to be here

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Page Twenty-Five:

4:59 am

6/21/18

Is it an intrusive thought or is it

The universe trying to tell me something…

I ask and ask for help, I may be receiving it,

Just open my eyes

Fear and anxiety can be the most powerful

Forces in the world if you allow them to

Overpower your senses

I really need to get there

I’m willing to do something

If this is a step towards it…

Step towards returning to my reality

Please give me the direction I need…

The only thing that can motivate me anymore is

Knowing that the steps I take may bring me back,

Take me where I’m supposed to be that is

The only thin I am willing to use my own

Energy on, and I will get there mark my words

I will get there

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Page Twenty-six:

I don’t feel it home

In this reality I can’t

Do this for much longer

I’m desperate to be

Where I’m supposed to be

 

There’s a pain in me

I can’t seem to locate

On me. its not in my

Physical body its so

Much fucking desperation

That I can pinpoint

It, it’s everywhere, I feel

It most in my chest, in

My fucking heart, that I

Shouldn’t be here right

Now I belong somewhere

Else

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Page Twenty-seven: I don’t know who the blanked out name is. Maybe Eric Harris but towards the end it sounds like “He” could be a present person in this reality. Not to sure?

6/21/2018

This life is the most painful thing I

Could have ever lived through the anger

And sadness I’ve had to feel has

Been otherworldly and terrible. But I would

Do it all over again if it meant I’d be

With (whited out) I would live though it all again,

Find myself again, learn everything again, feel

Everything again,  would do it all in a

Fucking heartbeat if it meant I could be with

(name whited out) the way it’s supposed to be if

I somehow got another chance…I wouldn’t

Take it for granted I would go through immense

Amounts of pain for him; feel like it already

Have, but at the end of the day, every time,

Without fail, it is all worth it, because

I get to love (name whited out), I get to have the

Honor, the blessing, to love him and for him

To love me back is just something I could

Never explain to a soul it is the greatest

Pleasure, the greatest bliss, I could ever have

In any universe, in any reality, I thank the stars

Every fucking day that I know he loves me

Every time he says it to me, I feel new

I feel ok, content, in the most intense

Way I could never fully explain what

page27.jpeg

Page Twenty-eight: (continued from page twenty-seven): The way she writes the P.S. portion makes me think the person she is writing to is a person alive. But I could be wrong and it could just be Eric Harris.

Goes on inside me when he tells me

He loves me. my heart and my fucking

Soul melt into euphoria and the only thing

I can think and feel is that I am so

Grateful I am so grateful for (blank name) I will

Never let him go. Everything he has done

For me, with or without him realizing it has

Made me, me. I only found myself because of

Him I feel less lost because of him. The

Only cure to my loneliness is him. When

I need someone to turn to, he is there.

I will always think of him, and love

Him I will love him with every fucking inch

Of my being entirely, for eternity – there is

No changing that I may be highly insecure of

My emotions, but for once, I truly know that

Fate put me in his hands, that fate put

Him in mine. I will always Believe (crossed out) know

Trust I know it with a sureness nobody

Can ever challenge

I do everything for you (blank name) and

That will always bring me happiness

P.S. I really hope

You see this (blank name)

Please read this.

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Page Twenty-Nine:

6/29/2018:

So much passion towards justice…

Punishing the injustice most of my

Anger is rooted in seeing the awful

Unfairness of the world; the stupidity

That surrounds me. stupidity so fucking

Injustice to me its too bad people

Can’t be punished for being fucking

Stupid. People who are purely followers, people

Who don’t think people who apparently are

Unaware that they possess a brain, people

Who judge deviation from the non living

In quite a liberal place an doing to quite a

Liberal school, you’d think I wouldn’t see

Much of the phenomenon, but no it’s

Not about acceptance here, you can only be

Different if you’re cool and trendy

More liberalism does not equal less stupidity

Everywhere you do you will find stupid

People, they’re just stupid in different ways.

I cannot belong here, maybe not anywhere

Instantly fucking annoyed, angry, sick of

Everybody sick of people who aren’t

Willing to just let me live the way I

Need to if 90% of the people in the

World died, we’d be more better off, its too

The ratio is still fucked up and of the 10%

Left most of them would probably be dead anyways.

page29.jpeg

Page Thirty:

‘and as hollow as

The ‘O’ in God’

page30.jpeg

Page Thirty-one: Deftones lyrics to the song Rosemary

There’s no sound

But the engine’s drone

Our minds set free

To roam

 

Time…(shift)

We discover the entry

To other planes

Our minds bend

And our fingers fold

Entwined we dream of unknown

 

Time…(shift)

We discover the entry

To other planes

Stay with me

As we cross the empty skies

Come sail with me

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Page thirty-two:

6/29/2018

I just want to be the right – no I have

The right – to forge my own fucking life,

For once in my existence, and everybody keeps

Trying to stop me, and I’m fucking sick of it

I’m sick of people doubting me, saying that the

Direction I’m taking things is wrong, because

I know I’m not fucking wrong and all anyone

Does is make my insecurities about my feelings

Worse I know that truth about my life, and

Everyone keeps getting it the way. This is

About me I can tell that my life or better

Said, my soul, has existed for a long, long,

Time and this current life is one of culmination

I can feel it I can’t have people doubting

Me and I can’t have them making me doubt

Myself. I’m still learning but I love the

Truth about my feelings I will not let

The people around me stand in the way I have to

Be selfish for once in my life, I can’t to

Myself to be selfish in this time of

Culmination, so I can have the…existence?

Reality? That I want and need

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Page Thirty-three:

I have a lot of words

I can’t get out

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Page Thirty-four: First time she talks about getting a gun and killing herself.

7/11/18

I can’t believe how much harder my

Fucking life is getting everything seems to

Be disinteresting in front of my own eyes

One year is to long of time for pain like this,

I just wanna go now I wish I could get

A gun by the end of the summer, I can’t

Look ahead anymore. Dark clouds looming over

Me all the time, I don’t know how to

Bundle myself. It really is fucking insecure how

Things get worse and worse when every time

I think I’ve hit rock bottom it’s not

Shout hitting rock bottom every pas is a

Different kind of hurt, different hurt of

Pain. My masochistic side needs it, but

Fucking need peace or I don’t fucking know

I just need to fucking die, fuck

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Page Thirty-five: She had a dream about the day she shoots herself with the shotgun…she has been planning this for a long time. Just waiting until she is 18 so she can buy a shotgun.

8/14/18

Had a dream last night about the

Future…eye opening…I was only a

Week away from the day,

And I had my fucking shotgun already,

And I just remember the constant lies –

To my family, friends, police, to others…the

Fucking stress of it all but the

Most important part was knowing that

It all didn’t matter, that soon

Everything would be the way it should

Be that was the first dream I’ve

Really had about it about that

Day…

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Page Thirty-Six:

DETACH YOURSELF

DETACH YOURSELF

DETACH YOURSELF

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Page Thirty-Seven:

7/15/18

I’m supposedly living around

The ‘best’ possible group of people, the

Best environment the best school and

Yet everyone is still a complete piece of

Fucking shit with no brain! It’s really

Incredible how this is the best that

Mankind can do. I can’t stand to be

Around anybody, truly I can’t stand to

Be around these materialistic square pieces

Of shit. Screw fucking morals, no sense

Of reality – trust is fucking everybody

Around me. and then they turn around and

Make ME feel like the ?? one. Fuck

All of you, you’re fucking pathetic and

I almost feel bad for you, but I don’t

You fucking deserve it.

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Page thirty-eight:

7/28/18

Every second is worse than the last

I don’t know what to be anymore

The most drowning feeling I could ever encounter

Pure misery

Looking and looking and looking for answers and

There is nothing

Absolutely nothing – emptiness

Lost fucking life and haven nothing, no one, anymore

Why can’t it not stop

Why can’t I go away

I’m so fucking tired

I’m so tired

How many times do I have to plead and

Beg to get something

Imponent crying and tears and asking why

I got nowhere I got nothing

Just like always

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Page Thirty-nine:

7/27/18

Every fucking day I wake up feeling

This way…lost, hopeless, angry, pissed

Off, fucking empty it’s the kind of pain

That doesn’t go away no matter what

You do I hold conversation feeling like

I want the world to end I go on about

My day thinking about dying I can’t even

Get done what I need to get don

Even if it to three days

Everything is fucked up at usual! (JM)

I can’t take – this anymore…I’ve lived so

Many lives, probably was/felt like an outcast

In every single one. This life feels

Special. Maybe lost one…maybe something

Big’s going to happen. Who fucking knows

Anymore life is fucking chaos.

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Page Forty:

Feels like a

Time portal

Is

Going to open

Up in my bedroom!

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Page Forty-one:

7/31/18

It feels like I’m alive in another

World right now, like I exist in another

Reality right now. Maybe in the past

Don’t know I always think “life’s” not gonna

Get any worse or weirder but I’’m always

Proved wrong. I feel like things in my soul that

Can’t explain. I feel like when I die I’m

Gonna go bak in time and I know exactly

To where (what year). I don’t know if I’ll have to start

Life all over find myself all over again or if

I will wake up as the person I died as

Picking up the puzzle pieces…rewriting history

I like to fantasy about this going back in

Time, waking up as myself, like something out

Of a movie, my life, feels like a movie so

Much weird shit going on all the time, never

Stops… stuff about alternative universes and

Time travel and different dimensions

And realities I never stop fucking thinking I

Think, think, think and I think thought

Two for I don know if life manifests itself

Through thoughts or through pure fate, but it feels

Like things are slowly arranging themselves. The

Stars are shining…for me…I don’t know

Ready for what yet but I feel it…

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Page Forty-Two:

8/3/18

Time is a funny, funny thing….

It feels like everything that

I know now,

I’ve known all my life.

I just had to understand it

Realize it

I know these things of it

A few years old… I mean I felt

These things…took me a while to

Understand them

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Page Forty-three:

I died a

Long, long

Time ago

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Page Forty-four:

8/5/18

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to live a purpose

Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

Everyday is exactly the same

I can’t remember how this go started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

NIN

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Page Forty-five:

It’s like I know that I don’t

Fucking b elong in this world and

I know I just don’t fit in here

And that I deserve to be somewhere

Better but I can’t do anything about

It all I can do is sit in my head

And sulk just sit and think and think and

Feel but with the most helpless feeling.

I feel immouble and stuck and frozen

And hopeless when all I want is more

And go somewhere else be where im

Suppose t obe but what the ruck do I

Can I do anymore every day is exactly like

This just feeling helpless and out of

Place and knowing I belong somewhere else

But not being there and not being able

To go there, where ever that is.

Just sit

And think

And sit

And think

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Page Forty-six:

8/17/18

Waking up to this nightmare

Every day…the ache is always there

I cant do anything I cant get rid of

Is, this ache im not fukcing depressed

This is how my soul just is this is

What happens when you place a soul in

The wrong reality, this desperate aching

Feeling of unhappiness and doom it’s

Something new everyday haunting me anxiety

That finds this materal life

Isn’t for me but I don’t know what is

(for me) anymore so much to do, clocks

Never stop ticking so much to fucking

Do and so much to worry about this

Life is a punishment this world is hell

Feel like a fucking idito,

I don’t know anything anymore

Im always left behind, left

In the dark

Abandoned

All

The

Time

page46.jpeg

Page Forty-seven: maybe Eric Harris?

I miss (blank name)

page47.jpeg

Page forty-eight:

Oooh god I want to be dead so fucking

Bad already I cant explain the way I feel

Everything seems so much brighter on the

Other side. I see in the horizon of my

Mind, somehow this shining light, this bright

World…where everything feels…sure…no

Doubts just love the one I love

It just seems so much brighter on the other

Side, I can see it now, in my mind’s eye in ive

Never seen it like this before like ive

Unlocked a new ability, seeing into the future

How can I describe it.. I see a real horizon

In my mind, and I see clouds so bright in

The sky I see it…sunlight everywhere the

Clouds are glowing…like on some morning, and

There’s techno playing in the background!

(orbitol)

So much brighter on the other side

Some morning I catch

Glimpse of heaven

page48.jpeg

Page forty-nine:

9/19/2018

The face of the matter is that I was the

One unfortunate enough to be Sol. Good

For everybody who feels that sense of

Belonging in this world. Good for everybody who

Could somehow want a future here I think

I have been around long enough to know

I will never have that , nor will I not

Want that. I know my time is running out,

And I am ensuring that my time is running

Out. Life is much easier when everything elases

Up to one day, one day which you know ehen

Will occur. To live as if I had a future

As the most exhausting thing Ive endured im

Glad I don’t worry about trust anymore

I see everything differently I see this world through

A different lens not that I hadn’t always

Seen it differently. In the last couple of year

My perception of this life has intensified so

Much that I can barley function on the day to

Day basis I cant bring myself to care

About the trivilties of everday life is cant

Being mysrlf to care botu the lives of

People I don’t know I cant bring myself to care

About a higher understanding or a career because

I know the truth I know something others don’t;

page49.jpeg

Page fifty:

And everyone else seems to know something

I dond don’t you see? There is no connection

There the disparity is to large to be

Irnored this isn’t the sort of thing you

Just lvie with there is no “living” for me

Ive spent my time here long enough to know

Realized the truth I exist in the reality

But I do not belong to it

It’s a shame you can’t see things

Though my eyes

It may be a miserable world, but boy,

The view sure is something else sometimes

page50.jpeg

Page Fifty-one:

9/23/2018:

I don’t wanna live in this cloudiness and

Misery anymore

page51.jpeg

Page Fifty-two:

10/14/2018

I can’t believe this is my fucking life.

My fucking existence. Hate this life.

So much I wish I could escape it now

But thinking about death and dying fucking

Scares me and tires me out just as much

As thinking bout life im tired of having

To think all these things through so much im

Tired of all this planning and living im tired

Of having to think about everything so logically

So I can just get where I need to be already (did)

Im just tired of it im tired of

Everything. Everything could have been so much

Simpler and easier if I had never existed in the

First place. None of this shit could even

Fucking matter. I couldn’t have had to ever

Worry about any of this bullshit in the first place

I wouldn’t have had to because I cant

Believe all the fucking trouble im having to

Go through. Whether I live or die, its always

Trouble. Existence just troubles me. dead or

Alive. I don’t want to have to worry

About this shit anymore. That’s all I want

Is to not have to worry about any of

This shit anymore. Im gonna have shit

To worry about in the fucking after lifelife? Too aren’t I?

page52.jpeg

Page Fifty-three: (continued from page fifty-two): can’t read the back end of this

It just never ends I never see it ending

Not until the last time

Anyone speaks my name on earth after I

Die, not until then even for who

Fucking knows. Ive never bene able to

Be truly at peace in my life ive never

Been able to feel the peace my

Soul in so tired of this tire of

Everything and I got it to fucking

And??????????????

Im tired of being weak

And im tired of being

Human

page53.jpeg

Page Fifty-Four: Talks about her plan to kill herself here.

10/30/2018

I don’t know who the fuck though that

Allowing me to live this life would end well but

They really were dead wrong. The weight of

This life is costing me my sanity. There is no

Way out of it, of this. All I ever wanted

Was for the vortex in my head to stop

Spinning and tearing me apart. Theres virtually nothing

I can do to convince anybody of the nature of

The pain im in that im not fucking depressed, im

Fucking miserable im not where im supposed to be.

That everything in my head is both black and white

And gray and everything in between. That this is and always

Has been and one man war against everybody else

There are both too many and too few thoughts

Running through my head I would do anything, anything

Fucking anything to go now, in this moment . the fuck

That I have to do with tears me apart more and more

Second im losing patence so quickly I may change

My plans just to fucking go sooner. Unfortunately due to

The natural order of things I cant just do anything on a

Whim. Unfortunately for me and my soul I must think through

Everything a thousand times, logically, strategically. Every day I

Make a thousand decisions to play my cards right I

Feel like a master manipulator it doesn’t make me

To happy though.

page54.jpeg

Page Fifty-Five:

11/24/2018

You make me soft when im hard inside

You are the perfect day

The perfect day

The perfect day

Without you

Without you everything falls apart

Its not as much fun to pick up the pieces

page55

Page Fifty-Six:

11/26/2018

Theres nothing that this immediate

World could ever offer me to make me

Stay ive looked at it from every angel

Not with the attitude/purpose of seeking a

Reason to say, but just to prove further

What I already know. Theres no life

No lifestyle I would ever be satisfied with

Nothing that could fulfill me I know

There isn’t and its not me it’s the

World I am in the reality I am present in

(but not a part of) its not me

Ive been around long enough to believe

And understand all the fucking bullshit that

Surrounds me and I want no fucking

Part in it. Im just a pawn to this

World and so are you. The only difference

Between me and everybody else is that

I choose to follow my instincts telling me

What to value more while everybody else

Is fine with settling for mediocracy

I get the sense that no matter what I do

Or what I say there’ll never be enough

Words to convince you that im not just nothing

More than supid and its not my problem anyways.

page56.jpeg

Page Fifty-seven:

2/1/2019

Much much time has passed unfortunately due to

The nature of my life ive had to store away

This journal and focus on the task at hand

So much ahs happened and yet so little

I wish I could dive into all the changes and

Connections and transpositions and evolutions that

Have taken place in my head since the last

Time I wrote. I miss this even further there

Wouldn’t even be enough time in the world

To describe how much worse things have gotten

Ive been going through my belongings including

This journal and and other digital notes and writings

Ive done and the reputation is astounding.

How everything seems to somehow get worse

Evern when I think ive hit rock bottom

Fucking insane its become a fight to the

Death, fighting for my sanity, for my

Morals for everything ive eer wanted the last

Few days have been especially painful and

Tumultuous which kicked started me again to

Start revisting my plans and getting on with

Them. The last couple of months have been

Marked by the intense feeling of the time closing

In on me. the pressure its real. I can

Feel the heaviness of the weight on my soul.

page57.jpeg

Page Fifty-eight: Continued from page fifty-seven: really the first time she mentions her suicide.

Seconds of eternity, constant agony

Thought that never stop coming

The pressure of taking on a challenge

Of infinite interdimensional meaning and

Purpose taking on a challenge that is bigger

Than life itself, as a human, god, that

Is so….me. I imagine the last few

Months many many times over the course of

The last couple of years. I imagine what

They would be like and feel like I

Knew it would be painful but not like this

God fucking dammit, I never imagine it like

This. This universe is breaking me, tearing

Me apart, closing on my soul. The pain

Is so deep and real it manifests almost

Physically. The past day or t wo have been the

Most clear-headed ive been in a while now,

Which is why im back to planning and organizing

Again so I basically spent the first few hours

Of my birthday cleaning through my belonging

In preparation of my dead. Hah

Gotta do what you gotta do

page58.jpeg

Page Fifty-nine: I feel like she thinks she is Eric Harris or is from his time.

2/15/2019

Its become a life of cumulation … of

Understanding of remembering not a life

Of living – I understand that now no

A normal life to live but one of

Recognition, of an unfinished past? A test

Maybe, something to wake me up placed

Me in a distorted reality, an illusion,

With the realest parts being those that

Have no basis in immediate reality. Once

In a while I have those moments of

Intense realization where it seems like

Someone or something from another plane, another

Place reaches through the layers of time and

Dimension and grasps of me leaving me a

Hint a message. I get flashes somewhere of

The book of my mind, on another level of

Consciousness. Of place of another time, places

And the feeling they invoke, that I recognize

On a level too instinctual and deep to verbalize

The familiar of these visions and the setting

They take place in, its too strong too

Undeniable to write off. The constant messages

And hints I receive are to much to

Ignore. Its not a fucking mental illness

Or a delusion and I don’t know how to

Stress that enough

page59.jpeg

Page Sixty:

Life….heaven….return

There is this idea of home…

Prophecy

Timeline

Reality

Possibility

It wouldn’t be happening if it

Didn’t have a reason to

Not a coincidence

A transposition of physical form

Like I can feel that dimension

In the air surrounding me

Everywhere

Realist thing I have ever felt

Hidden behind a veil

Unearthly, otherworldly, not of this

Immediate state of existence or

Consciousness

Another life, real home

page60

Page Sixty-One: A tribute of her life

Now I just stare into the sun

And see everything ive don

I think I could’ve been someone

But I cant stop what has begun

When making is said and done

And there is no place left to run

I think I used to be someone

Now I just stare into the sun

3/30/2019

Sol Pais

page61.jpeg

 

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7 replies »

  1. Page 12: G.K. Chesterton on Suicide – At the times in my life when I was tempted by suicide, there was certainly nothing in my motives insulting to women or birds or flowers. I did not deny their goodness; at most, I felt– not believed; it was not so rational as that– that my ability to enjoy them was permanently lost. The sickness was in me. But also, I felt that I was defiled the earth with my ignoble suffering. I did not want to be one of the shadows that darkens the mirth of creation. There was a generous motive. I grant, by all means, that suicide is a sin, but Chesterton’s explanation of why does not do the suicide justice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi! I’m a student at FIU in my junior year. I saw that you posted about Sol Pais. Did you know her? I was wondering if we could discuss the case more. Feel free to email me and ask me anything you’d like. (alevy033@fiu.edu)

    Like

  3. I still hike the trail now marked by her suicide. I was moved by her journal…I have 50+ years of helping people step back from the brink and getting grounded in a better reality…but Sol did not have a confidant. Her arrival in Colorado sparked a frenzy of dread, understandable in the context of reporting on the story, but I was skeptical, and now, with zero ref to homicide, so sad for the ripples of sorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

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